Ten-Year Anniversary
Reflections
Today
is December 13th, a day which means a lot to Arinne and I. Which is funny to think about, because for almost
25 years of my life December 13th only meant that we were getting
close to Christmas. But in 2002,
December 13th took on a new meaning, because that’s the day Arinne
and I were married, on a Friday night in Benton, KY, with snow falling outside the Walnut Grove Church of Christ building.
Which makes today our 10-year
anniversary!
We hope to celebrate a bit –
probably something simple like going to a nicer-than-usual restaurant and then
hanging out at Barnes and Noble while someone watches the boys for us. And we always like to spend some time
reflecting on our lives and marriage, which seems like a good anniversary-type
thing to do. So I’d like to use this
week’s blog thoughts to get a head start on reflecting. I’ll save the more personal reflecting for tonight’s conversations (where
we’ve lived, our favorite times, what our hopes and dreams are, etc). But as Christians, we hopefully grow to view
everything through the lens of faith and God, so I’d like to reflect a bit on
what my 10-year anniversary reminds me from a faith perspective.
Perhaps
you have heard people refer to life as a place of “soul-building” for
eternity. I believe that’s a correct
view of the world, and it reminds us that God has bigger goals for our time on
earth: He is about soul-building, not just “keeping us pain-free” or “giving me
what I think I want.” And the more I’m
looking for it, the more I see God use situations in my life to help build my
soul spiritually (or at least try to – sometimes I don’t allow it to happen
like it should).
So I wanted
to reflect on how has God used the last 10 years of marriage to build/strengthen
my soul. Or to put it another way: what
does it seem God has been teaching us as I glance back over the past 10
years? Here’s three things that come to my
mind…
1)
God
knows what He’s doing. Every
couple has unique circumstances that bring them together. I’ve often looked back over the life-path
that brought Arinne and I together – first as friends, then really good
friends, then dating, then deciding we wanted to spend our lives together –
with admiration that God seemed to have a hand in each step along the way.
And that admiration didn’t
end at our wedding ceremony. No one can
plan out their first 10 years, and we certainly didn’t have ours planned as
they have gone. But there have been
blessings in each of the unexpected twists.
The down times of life and marriage are frustrating and painful,
yes. But looking back at the big
picture, I am constantly reminded that God knows what He’s doing.
2)
Marriage
helps develop traits that are not easily developed – at least not for me. In pre-marital counseling with couples who are
soon to be married, I always discuss with them the joys and the challenges of
two lives becoming one. The broad-brush
challenge: changing my perspective from “me” to “we.” Permanently connecting your life with another’s
sometimes means riding the wave of their joys and successes; and it sometimes
means slowing your own goals down – or putting them aside permanently – in order
to help the two of you move forward together in the most effective, united way
possible. Most of us don’t do that very
well. In a word, marriage forces us to look
beyond our own self-centeredness.
Arinne I’m sure has had to learn patience in the times
when I have allowed myself to be too distracted to be the husband I should
be. We have both had to learn hope in
the times we prayed that our circumstances would be different than they have
been. In fact, you could probably take
the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 and list how each is made an
essential “you-better-learn-it-now” part of your life in the perspective-changing
relationship of marriage: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
And of course forgiveness should be added to the list
of things marriage teaches you. You
quickly find out that neither of you are perfect, and that you will fail each
other at some point in spite of your best intentions. You learn to offer forgiveness quickly, and
to hope for it quickly in return; and you’re both better people because of it.
3)
Life really does go by fast. Everyone tells you this, and if you’re like
me you usually just smile and nod. Even
God tells us: “You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then
vanishes away.” (James 4:14). And we
often have the same “yeah, I get it” reaction.
It’s just hard for this to sink in until a significant period of your
life is about to be behind you permanently.
So marking off year after year with an anniversary dinner,
and suddenly realizing you’re 10 years down the road already leaves you
thinking a little deeper on that truth. It
reminds me that I want to get first things first. I doubt I’ll ever look back and wish I’d
spent less time with Arinne, or wish I’d said “I love you” fewer times, or wish
we’d spent less time serving God together, or wish I’d been less patient or
less appreciative. So I need to make
sure those things are prioritized in my life like they should be.
Finally,
two things are clear to me every time I reflect on marriage as I’ve done in this post:
First, I
love that Arinne is my wife. She’s not
only beautiful with a contagious smile and laugh, but she’s so much fun, so
honest with me and with herself, so determined to do things well, a great
encouragement to my faith and ministry, and a wonderful mom. It’s fun to go through life with her, and I pray
for many more “big anniversaries” like this one.
Second, I’m reminded that God really
does use marriage as a teaching and training ground. Every time I have pre-marital counseling with
a young couple, I’m personally convicted by the high calling God gives us
husbands in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for
her.” Jesus is my example of how to
put Arinne first. He showed love to the
church not just through a warm, fuzzy feeling on a good day when He felt like
it, but by “giving Himself up for her” by coming to earth and going to the
cross. I’m now 10 years into learning
how to put aside my self-centeredness for Arinne, and hopefully I’ll do better at it in my
next 10 years with her.
Just crystalizing these thoughts in
writing has been encouraging to me and helps me re-commit myself to being the
best husband I can be. Arinne, I love
you. I pray for many more decades with you,
and hope I keep learning all along the way.
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